A List of Things Merlin is Terribly Inept At
by artypendragon
Summary: because Arthur has to have the last word, dangling prepositions be damned. Merlin is forbidden from adding his own comments to the list but gleefully does so anyway. (ao3 link within, it's much better formatted there)


much better formatted (with strikethroughs and everything!) at my ao3: archiveofourown dot org forwardslash works forwardslash 14120193

the counterpart to A List of Things Arthur Shouldn't Do. it's not much, but enjoy!

* * *

1\. Merlin is terribly inept at cleaning Prince Arthur's room. Prince Arthur always wakes up to his clothes strewn across the floor **you're always in a hurry to get me into bed** and Merlin dozing off beside him; while he doesn't mind the latter **prefers it very much** , the state of one's room represents the state of one's mind and Prince Arthur is nothing if not a diligent, organised **mess of a** man.

2\. Merlin is terribly inept **proficient, you mean** at following orders. Prince Arthur, ever the gentleman, is only looking out for Merlin's safety when he commands his manservant to leave the fray of battle lest he be fatally wounded. **Prince Arthur also forgets Merlin has magic and could flatten all his enemies in the blink of an eye if Arthur would just get that stick out his arse and command him to do it.** I won't deny it, that's very sexy. The flattening enemies bit. **noted**.

3\. Merlin is terribly inept at smiling **_what_**. When he does it, he aims it at all the wrong people, and Prince Arthur is fed up of all these random squires and villagers falling in love with his manservant **right, and you never make a show of standing too close to me when they're talking to me, and of putting your arms in wholly inappropriate places in public, and of**

4\. Merlin is terribly inept at walking. He trips over himself ten times a day and increases the castle servants' workload and it's simply hilarious to see that his own feet are more a danger to him than enemy sorcerers or King Uther's love for executions.

5\. Merlin is terribly inept at speaking. Half of the time, he's making up rubbish words like "dollophead" and "clotpole" **they're legitimate insults, I tell you** and the other half he's incoherently mumbling his prince's name **well, it's not like you leave me in any fit state to talk during that other half** was that a compliment I just read? **ABSOLUTELY NOT** thank you kindly, Merlin.

6\. Merlin is terribly inept at existing **you're not even trying**. He is the bane of Prince Arthur's life. Ever since the day he arrived in Camelot, he's been wrecking Prince Arthur's daily routine with all his stupidity and his tendency to endanger his own life for a prince who can take care of himself **you barely managed to pull your own tunic on the other day** who can take care of himself _very well_.

7\. Merlin is terribly inept at… something or other. **I'm sure you'll find something to grouse about in time, my dear Arthur, you always do**.

8\. Merlin is terribly inept at spending time with Lancelot. Lancelot could do with seeing less of Merlin, and it isn't as if he needs Merlin's help in wooing Gwen, Gwen has eyes **says the prat who almost threw down his gauntlet at Lance when Lance had the audacity to smile at me** and the Prince is a very reasonable man, if a tad irritable at times.

9\. Merlin is terribly inept at not getting annoyed over Sir Leon **cf. #8** Sir Leon is a childhood friend of the prince and it is but natural that the prince would find spending time with Sir Leon a pleasure **cf. #8**. Merlin ought to think calmly about the real possessor of Prince Arthur's heart instead of frowning **cf. #8** , pouting **cf. #8** , and throwing silly tantrums when the prince shares his ale with his knight **CF. #8**.

10\. Merlin is terribly inept at not crying when he sees Prince Arthur in the kind of agony he can do nothing about **dangling preposition, my, my, your childhood tutor must be rolling in his grave. I'm telling the king** Although it may warm the prince's **frosty** wounded heart to see it, the prince hates to see Merlin wasting good water on a very unnecessary display of emotion **because he tears up, too**.

11\. Merlin is terribly inept at listening to Arthur telling him he loves him without blushing like a girl.

12\. He can't make comebacks very well, either **well** **what the hell was I supposed to say to that**

13\. Merlin is terribly inept at absolutely everything **thanks!** except making Arthur's life a bit more liveable. **I can't really say the same for you I love you, too.**


End file.
